goodselfhelpstuff.com

Guys – I have several projects that I need time to work on and I also want to take time out to reflect on the direction I want this blog to go in. So I’m taking a break from posting for a while but feel free to look around while I’m gone (but don’t touch any of my stuff !).

Gareth

Like

Unlike

A brief user guide to playing the “must-have” accessory at these year’s football World Cup in South Africa….

Like

Unlike

My son has been through quite a lot in his young life (I mean he emigrated when he was still in nappies – talk about getting an early start!) but he is still a very well adjusted and down to earth kid. I make no claims to be being some kind of “wonder-parent” but one thing I think I have done well is talk to him and let him know what’s going on – even during difficult circumstances like separation and divorce.

When my first marriage had run its course and I was going to move out, one thing that was really tearing me up inside was the prospect of telling him that it was going to happen (he was 5 at the time). Even though me and his Mum had already worked out the custody arrangements and a lot of the practicalities had been taken care of, I was dreading having to tell him that I was leaving. Just thinking about it made me feel sick and I was torturing myself with emotional phrases like:

Broken home

Single Dad

Failed marriage

Poor start in life

Etc.

On the day I was going to start moving out I steeled myself to tell him that I was going and that he would be living half the time with his Mum and half the time with me. I did so but this really didn’t seem to phase him so, thinking that he wasn’t really grasping it, I told him again, wording things a little differently. He still didn’t freak out the way I expected him to.  His Mum was also explaining things to him but he remained quite calm. The thing that did provoke a reaction was telling him that I was moving into a house a few streets away – because he wanted to go and have a look! Within ten minutes he was walking around the house and had picked out what was going to be his bedroom….

Although the big anticipated meltdown never happened, myself and his Mum braced ourselves in case there was a backlash a few days later when the reality had sunk in a bit more. It never really arrived. The only real difficulty was when a kid at school told him that “divorce is when you have to choose between living with your Mum or Dad and you don’t see the other again”. It’s sad that some children are put into that situation and that is their understanding of the process.

Obviously not all children will react the same way but I would like my experience to offer a ray of hope that, if you are in this situation, your kids might handle the news better than you think. To sum up some lessons learnt on communicating with your children during separation and divorce:

Tell the truth when it’s appropriate to do so. I think that kids have pretty good radar for sensing when things aren’t right and they stress if they KNOW things aren’t right but no-one will talk to them about it. That’s as frustrating for kids as it is for us. Obviously you don’t need to hold a conference with your children over every emotional up and down you have in your life but if something big is happening then you should explain it to them carefully in words they will understand.

Reassure them that they aren’t the problem. Kids need to know that they aren’t to blame for their parents getting divorced. Reassure them that although things might have gone wrong with the grown-up’s marriage this has no effect on how much they are loved and it wasn’t their fault. Give them a reason as to why the divorce is happening, something easy to understand like “Mum and Dad aren’t making each other happy any more”.

Do not involve kids in any battles with your ex-partner. No matter how justified you may feel, don’t bad mouth your ex in front of your children. This sort of conflict is very harmful to kids and, besides, why would you want to take away the good feelings that THEY have towards their Mum, Dad, Step-parent?

Be around and available to talk. When I had just moved into “my” new home I made sure that I was around as much as possible and that a lot of familiar routines got established straight away. That seemed to help – so did involving him in things like kitting out his new bedroom. I’m sure kids will deal with this differently as they try to make sense of what is happening so be available if they need to talk.

Your emotions. This is just my opinion here but I don’t think that kids need to see their parents crying and grieving all the time – divorce or no divorce. Young children often think that parents are some kind of super-beings who always know what to do so it must be alarming for them to see us sobbing away. If you are going through divorce and separation you will doubtless be feeling some emotional pain but I would certainly limit how much you let your children see of this. It’s alright for them to see that you are sad but they still need to know that everything is “normal”.

As life has gone on, communicating with my son has become a habitual thing and it has certainly helped out with our family life. Before my wife moved in with us I had a talk with him and asked him how he felt about it and he was fine – such a relief compared to some of the difficulties I’ve heard about with the whole “family-blending” thing. I’m not saying that communication alone allows you avoid any of life’s difficulties but it has certainly helped us three muddle through!

I can’t begin to estimate how many hours I have spent sitting side by side with him on the couch, in the car or on a plane just chatting and passing the time of day (or singing along to the radio). He is good company and, like all kids, his conversational skills improved the more he practised them and I really enjoy talking with him. Making a genuine effort to communicate with your kids no matter what the circumstances is an investment that really pays off for everyone.

Hope this helps.

Like

Unlike

Today goodselfhelpstuff.com abandons any pretence at neutrality and goes all-out in support of England in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa !

Click here for the new Umbro advert video to get us in the mood! (as with everything on YouTube though – best to ignore the “intellectual contributions” in the comments section…..)

At the other end of the sporting spectrum I will be playing a full 90 minute game of football tomorrow on a full size pitch. This will be the first time I have tried such a thing in about ten years… I get the feeling I might be regretting this patriotic football fever on Monday !

Like

Unlike

A note to let you know that I have added a review of this to the book section. You can read it here.

Like

Unlike