goodselfhelpstuff.com

We have moved to our new website, the link is www.thedistanceinbetween.com

Check out the new blog by clicking here.

Like

Unlike

Guys – I have several projects that I need time to work on and I also want to take time out to reflect on the direction I want this blog to go in. So I’m taking a break from posting for a while but feel free to look around while I’m gone (but don’t touch any of my stuff !).

Gareth

Like

Unlike

A brief user guide to playing the “must-have” accessory at these year’s football World Cup in South Africa….

Like

Unlike

My son has been through quite a lot in his young life (I mean he emigrated when he was still in nappies – talk about getting an early start!) but he is still a very well adjusted and down to earth kid. I make no claims to be being some kind of “wonder-parent” but one thing I think I have done well is talk to him and let him know what’s going on – even during difficult circumstances like separation and divorce.

When my first marriage had run its course and I was going to move out, one thing that was really tearing me up inside was the prospect of telling him that it was going to happen (he was 5 at the time). Even though me and his Mum had already worked out the custody arrangements and a lot of the practicalities had been taken care of, I was dreading having to tell him that I was leaving. Just thinking about it made me feel sick and I was torturing myself with emotional phrases like:

Broken home

Single Dad

Failed marriage

Poor start in life

Etc.

On the day I was going to start moving out I steeled myself to tell him that I was going and that he would be living half the time with his Mum and half the time with me. I did so but this really didn’t seem to phase him so, thinking that he wasn’t really grasping it, I told him again, wording things a little differently. He still didn’t freak out the way I expected him to.  His Mum was also explaining things to him but he remained quite calm. The thing that did provoke a reaction was telling him that I was moving into a house a few streets away – because he wanted to go and have a look! Within ten minutes he was walking around the house and had picked out what was going to be his bedroom….

Although the big anticipated meltdown never happened, myself and his Mum braced ourselves in case there was a backlash a few days later when the reality had sunk in a bit more. It never really arrived. The only real difficulty was when a kid at school told him that “divorce is when you have to choose between living with your Mum or Dad and you don’t see the other again”. It’s sad that some children are put into that situation and that is their understanding of the process.

Obviously not all children will react the same way but I would like my experience to offer a ray of hope that, if you are in this situation, your kids might handle the news better than you think. To sum up some lessons learnt on communicating with your children during separation and divorce:

Tell the truth when it’s appropriate to do so. I think that kids have pretty good radar for sensing when things aren’t right and they stress if they KNOW things aren’t right but no-one will talk to them about it. That’s as frustrating for kids as it is for us. Obviously you don’t need to hold a conference with your children over every emotional up and down you have in your life but if something big is happening then you should explain it to them carefully in words they will understand.

Reassure them that they aren’t the problem. Kids need to know that they aren’t to blame for their parents getting divorced. Reassure them that although things might have gone wrong with the grown-up’s marriage this has no effect on how much they are loved and it wasn’t their fault. Give them a reason as to why the divorce is happening, something easy to understand like “Mum and Dad aren’t making each other happy any more”.

Do not involve kids in any battles with your ex-partner. No matter how justified you may feel, don’t bad mouth your ex in front of your children. This sort of conflict is very harmful to kids and, besides, why would you want to take away the good feelings that THEY have towards their Mum, Dad, Step-parent?

Be around and available to talk. When I had just moved into “my” new home I made sure that I was around as much as possible and that a lot of familiar routines got established straight away. That seemed to help – so did involving him in things like kitting out his new bedroom. I’m sure kids will deal with this differently as they try to make sense of what is happening so be available if they need to talk.

Your emotions. This is just my opinion here but I don’t think that kids need to see their parents crying and grieving all the time – divorce or no divorce. Young children often think that parents are some kind of super-beings who always know what to do so it must be alarming for them to see us sobbing away. If you are going through divorce and separation you will doubtless be feeling some emotional pain but I would certainly limit how much you let your children see of this. It’s alright for them to see that you are sad but they still need to know that everything is “normal”.

As life has gone on, communicating with my son has become a habitual thing and it has certainly helped out with our family life. Before my wife moved in with us I had a talk with him and asked him how he felt about it and he was fine – such a relief compared to some of the difficulties I’ve heard about with the whole “family-blending” thing. I’m not saying that communication alone allows you avoid any of life’s difficulties but it has certainly helped us three muddle through!

I can’t begin to estimate how many hours I have spent sitting side by side with him on the couch, in the car or on a plane just chatting and passing the time of day (or singing along to the radio). He is good company and, like all kids, his conversational skills improved the more he practised them and I really enjoy talking with him. Making a genuine effort to communicate with your kids no matter what the circumstances is an investment that really pays off for everyone.

Hope this helps.

Like

Unlike

Today goodselfhelpstuff.com abandons any pretence at neutrality and goes all-out in support of England in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa !

Click here for the new Umbro advert video to get us in the mood! (as with everything on YouTube though – best to ignore the “intellectual contributions” in the comments section…..)

At the other end of the sporting spectrum I will be playing a full 90 minute game of football tomorrow on a full size pitch. This will be the first time I have tried such a thing in about ten years… I get the feeling I might be regretting this patriotic football fever on Monday !

Like

Unlike

A note to let you know that I have added a review of this to the book section. You can read it here.

Like

Unlike

I read this article on Derren Brown’s Blog but I am posting the link to the source article here for your convenience. Basically the article describes how scientists have found that asking yourself questions via your “self talk” motivates you more effectively than telling yourself you can do it. Basically its a case of “will I?” being a lot more effective than “I will”.

There are a heap of similar articles on self help themes but from a scientific / academic point of view.

Like

Unlike

When you think of Clint Eastwood – who turns 80 tomorrow – it’s unlikely you associate him with self-help. It would be difficult to imagine Dirty Harry cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” or the anti-hero “man with no name” working on a list of well thought-out goals (unless it was a list of people to kill) but there are some recurring  themes in his life and works that are very familiar to people who are into self help and personal development. So, as a salute to Clint Eastwood good self help stuff offers you these thoughts on the world’s coolest 80 year old.

Managing your own career on your own terms

Even the quickest look at Clint’s career shows that he has not allowed other people to dictate what he can and cannot do. His first break was to become a regular in the TV series “Rawhide” but was criticized as being a good-looking lightweight who would not progress, however, he proved the doubters wrong when he made the switch to starring in Western movies. When they said that westerns are all he would ever do he made the switch to modern day action hero in the “Dirty Harry” movies and when he was typecast as a brooding tough guy he turned up in comedies like “Every Which Way But Loose” (co-starring with an orangutan, an inspired move!). As a director, Clint has made a remarkably broad range of movies – who would ever have thought he could come up “The Bridges of Madison County”? – and he has never let others decide what kind of movies he should make.

Dealing with setbacks

Clint Eastwood has made many hugely successful movies but he’s made some real flops too. You would have thought that movies like “Pink Cadillac”, “FireFox” and “Paint Your Wagon” are enough to have dented anyone’s self-belief but the great things about Clint Eastwood’s approach is that he always bounces back from a setback with another good movie. He quickly moves on from “failed” projects and comes up with something new. It’s as if his approach is “if you’re going to make great movies – make a LOT of movies”.

Take calculated risks

It would have been very easy for Clint to have stayed in the western genre and pumped out cowboy movies for the rest of his career but instead of taking the safe & easy option he has consistently taken risks. Sometimes they don’t come off but he has never been cowed into being typecast.

Be true to yourself

Whilst many of his movies have been panned by the critics and others  you strongly get the feeling that he has always made the movies that personally interest him and damn what anyone else thinks about it. The great thing about Clint Eastwood is that he has persevered and out-worked the people who have criticized him and he has remained “who he is” regardless of whether it is popular at that time or not.

It’s cool to be a man

OK this one doesn’t turn up very often in the literature but it should do! And Clint is a walking object lesson in masculinity.

One last remark – I find it hard to come up with just one favourite Clint Eastwood movie but, if pushed, I would have to say “The Outlaw Josey Wales” – what’s yours?

Like

Unlike

In our house we often seem to be pushed for time BUT we try to eat healthy so this recipe for a spicy pasta sauce is a bit of a life saver for us. I cook this up most weeks and then freeze portions of it which can then be quickly reheated and served on its own with pasta or added to prawns, minced beef or served with melted cheese etc. Its delicious, its fast and its full of healthy veggies so it ticks a lot of the right boxes! This sauce is probably closest to an Arrabiata but in our house it is known by the less glamorous name of “veggie bog” – I have arrived at  this recipe after a lot of improvising but it unlikely that I ever cook it exactly the same way twice so feel free to make your own modifications! This version works great though.

You will need

Olive oil

1 good sized onion

1 red chili pepper or half if you want it less spicy

1 red pepper (capsicum)

4 cloves garlic

Mushrooms (you decide how many)

1 kilo fresh tomatoes

1 400g tin of chopped tomatoes

Basil – fresh if you’ve got it but dried works fine too (1 teaspoon)

Pinch of oregano

Balsamic vinegar (optional)

Salt & pepper

First finely chop your onion and chili and crush the garlic. Fry this in hot olive oil for about three minutes until things soften up  and then add 1 tea spoon or basil (or fresh leaves) a good pinch of oregano and salt & pepper to taste. Keep stirring for another minute or so and then add the chopped red pepper (capsicum) and mushrooms. Cook this for another couple of minutes – whilst that is happening chop up your tomatoes into cubes and throw them in as well. If you have got the time or inclination you can blanch these in very hot and then cold water to remove the skins prior to chopping but I don’t bother. Fry these for another couple of minutes, whilst stirring. When this is all going good add the tin of chopped tomatoes and a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar if you are using it. Simmer this for about half an hour, stirring occasionally. Serve with a pasta of your choice – it goes well with penne but anything works.

This freezes well and survives microwaving so it’s a perfect to dish up quickly if you are in a hurry. And its delicious and mega-healthy too!

Get it into you!

Like

Unlike

I recently reviewed Joe Navarro’s excellent book “What Everybody is Saying” and I have been viewing some of his “Art of Influence” videos here on YouTube.

Having read the book, its interesting to see him in person and see what HIS body language is like!

Like

Unlike