goodselfhelpstuff.com

For my first blog post I thought it would be appropriate to write about a situation which sparked off my interest in self help – supporting someone with a serious illness. I hesitated to write this post as I was unsure about starting the blog on what might seem such as “downbeat” note but I decided that, if the purpose of this site is genuinely to help others, then we should address the aspects of self help which help those people facing dramas as well as those seeking further improvements in their lives.

When someone close to you is diagnosed with a serious health condition the first thing that you need to do is to commit to being there with them every step of the way, This means being present at each of the appointments, tests, check-ups etc that they will be put through. Even if you don’t say a word and all you do is hold their hand or fetch cups of coffee whilst you hang around in hospital waiting rooms your presence is required and will be valuable. As rough as things may get, you are in it for the duration.

Let me add an important proviso here though; as much as they may need your help you must let the person with the illness”own” the experience. Even though they may have developed serious – perhaps even life threatening- health problems it is still THEIR life and they have the right to say how they want to handle it. You must respect this. You should provide all the support you can and try to ensure that this fits in with how they want to progress. There will almost certainly be times when you get this wrong. There might be times when you are talking when you should be listening, when you are being sombre when you should be cheerful and there may be times when it seems like whatever you do is wrong! Just persevere and keep trying to do your best.

You will probably find that you suddenly get a lot of family, friends and well-wishers turning up as there is a natural and generous impulse to go and support the person who is suffering. This can be a great source of comfort but there are also times when it can all be a bit too much. Sometimes you feel you are re-living the experience over and over again. Depending on the circumstances it might be wise for you to shield the person from visitors as firmly and kindly as you can as they will just need time on their own. “They are asleep” or “they just need time to rest right now” both work well.

You may well have to attend to the practicalities of what is happening and by this I mean arranging time off from work, health insurance, financial matters, appointments at the Doctors, possibly in-home care services and so on.

There will be times when you falter along the path too and that is perfectly OK – you are only human and can’t be expected to be a sainted martyr every day of your life. This leads me to the next important point: YOU MUST LOOK AFTER YOURSELF! If you don’t, it won’t be long until you are in no fit state to look after anyone else either. This means doing the basics right, eating, sleeping, keeping a limit on drinking, exercise if you can, take time “away” from the situation even if it’s only for a little while. It’s often helpful to think of what things would be like if you WEREN’T there – imagine how the other person would feel if they had to sit through a chemotherapy session on their own or even if they had to worry about where to park the car. What you do makes a difference.

Ask for help. I know this sounds obvious but many people find it difficult to ask for help (especially men). This could be in the form of professional, medical support, voluntary or charity groups or it could be help from family & friends. Even now I vividly remember small acts of kindness like family doing babysitting and a neighbour bringing round a lasagne for dinner… This kind of help can make a lot of difference and you should be open to accepting it. When I was in this situation I found that several people at work came up to me to tell me about what they had been through or how they had family members who had similar experiences. Almost as if there was a “hidden community” of people who had been through a lot and whilst they didn’t shout about it from the rooftops, they knew.

That brings me to my final point and if I could say no other thing to you but this, it would be that you are not alone and many people have been through similar experiences to you and come out of the other side. Please persevere.

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