goodselfhelpstuff.com

Back in 2000 when I was getting some help from the excellent staff at Clayton Hospital in Wakefield I was taught a simple technique for dealing with problems that I found so powerful that I still use it now.

The technique basically uses a simple list to “dismantle” your problems. What you do is to simply describe the problem or issue that is worrying you, list the components of this problem and then break it down into things that you can do something about and things that you can’t. The things that you can do something about generate an action list for you to follow up on. Before we get into an example lets have a look at why this works.

1. By writing down what the problem is and breaking it into smaller parts you have started to deal with it. Even if you don’t do a single thing about it you have started the process of dealing with the situation and a subtle change takes place whereby you are managing IT rather than IT managing you.
2. The act of writing things down imposes a logical structure onto what is going on. It makes you think about the problem and start to use your resources to address it. Remember, as Marie Curie said, “nothing is to be feared, it is only to be understood”. Start to understand your problem in a logical way, not a fear-based one.
3. As is so often the case, the “big picture” can seem too big and scary and too overwhelmingly awful to deal with but the smaller components seem achievable. Maybe not much fun but definitely achievable. This provides you with an action list that you need to work through.
4. Finally the list helps you to identify what you can and can’t do anything about. Acceptance of what you can’t change is a whole different ball game but acknowledging it is a start.

When I became a Dad my partner was being treated for cancer and I was under a lot of pressure as I was juggling the roles of parent and carer for the first time. As time went on, balancing these roles with all the other ones I had became a real strain and I began to feel very anxious about what would happen if something were to happen to me. There was no reason at all to think I was going to but it was really starting to prey on my mind so the staff at Clayton Hospital took me through this exercise to get a hold of the problem and the outcome was something like this:-

I am worried about what would happen if I died.

What can we do to make it less likely?

What can you do about diet, exercise, alcohol, stress levels, wellbeing etc? By taking action in these areas you dramatically reduce the chances of this happening.

Action – Make a sub-list detailing what you are going to do in each of these areas.

What if it happens anyway?

No-one can totally remove risk from their life and there is always a chance that an accident can happen to you. You have to let this go and not worry about what you can’t change.

Action – accept what you can’t change.

Finances

I am the major bread winner – what would happen if I am not around?

Action – first make a will to ensure that your wishes are carried out as smoothly as possible.

Action – take out life insurance – a simple practical step to make sure that some money is coming in if I’m not around to earn it.

Note – there are two families involved here as well – they aren’t going to let your partner and child starve!

Parenting

If I die then who will look after my kid?

Action – talk to both sides of the family about how you feel and what you would like to happen if you were no longer around. You can make your wishes known and this can be put into a will.

Note – your partner is unwell but it doesn’t mean that she won’t be around for a long time to come.

Note – you’re not going to die anytime soon either – dork-meister! (OK I made this bit up)

When I completed this exercise my mood lifted immediately and I remember walking home from the hospital really feeling like I had got my problems by the balls!

So, by making a list, the anxiety I had was addressed and broken down into parts. From this exercise I got a action list which included a new recognition that I had to look after myself better, a task to write a will (like the saying goes – “writing a will won’t kill you”), arranging life insurance and talking things through with family.

Looking back I wonder “what WAS I thinking about – worrying about dying?” but the concern was real to me at the time so it needed addressing. This was about ten years ago and, happily, I am still not dead This process works with less dramatic problems too and, the more you use it the more you find that the stuff that is causing you grief often can’t stand up to much scrutiny. Problems that seem like a big deal can be dealt with quite effectively by using the awesome power of the list!